handy girl

girl powdering her neck

2009-10-19T10:53:00.002-03:00

girl powdering her neck
point of view: her voyeristic husband

i understand the ritual
born and bred from birth
she prepares herself for me, so perfectly

i am consumed by the art of her beauty
yet i know her heart's not in it
still, she lays down for me, so perfectly

and she'll birth our daughter
and she'll groom our daughter
and she'll prepare our daughter
to lay herself down, so perfectly so

about utamaro
utamaro was an artist who studied women
he showed his drawings to many people so they could see what he sees

in the time of his life, the study of women made them fall at his feet
and he captured their femininity, two-dimensionally

utamaro didn't discriminate, at least not between women
the class of women, the role of women, the function of women
it was all the same
it had to be - they were women

and where are the men? what happened to the men?
sitting back in the member's only club
waiting for the unmarked parcels to arrive

the starry night

2009-09-18T22:40:00.004-03:00

the end of life, no symbolic token
no patriotic flag, no water's broken
the tree of life, nature's child
not crying in death but living in the night sky
greater than that little town
no beginning and no end
mobius thread, born and dead

van gogh's bed

2009-09-02T20:58:00.004-03:00

solitary definement lives here - in bed
in the truest place of dreams

here, the big bad scary world is mute

and godmother fairies abolish evil wickedness

van gogh, like cinderella

looked into the eye of the sun

and never went blind

manet's olympia

2009-08-26T23:49:00.007-03:00

i am a prostitute, it's clear
take a look, all the clues are here

the maid, the cat, the body hair

i am a new kind of beauty
i've never been seen before

at least not here on canvas

of my profession, he does not care

my master gives me to you and with bated breath you stare

apostle of ugliness!

that's what the critics will say

until they find themselves alone with me, those masters of domain

they'll stare long and hard with bated breath, and here i shall remain

so take me, take me, take me now! my body is your glue

and that which lives right up my stairs, you'll nary have a clue

you don't seriously think i'm lying here in the dark do you?

my eyes are wider than yours, my mind is bigger than your growing desire

so fill yer boots up buddy, get a good look now buddy

my master gives me to you and with bated breath you stare

how do you solve a problem like la creepo?

2008-09-18T10:16:00.010-03:00

dear handy girl,
someone keeps trying to publish comments on my blog that are inappropriate, lewd, and/or graphic. some of my readers are teenagers and should not be looking at this crap. also, i have readers who drink tea with the pope after midnight mass and others who are virgin buddhists in their eighties. what should i do?
handy girl

dear handy girl,
delete the comments and block the sender (if he is not an anonymous wimp). if this person does not stop, let the blog administration know. if it still continues, call the cops. they will take you seriously, they will track him, hunt him down and arrest him for harassment and a bunch of other indecent things, and then he can have all the fun he wants in jail with his new buddies.

keep in mind that only a very unbalanced individual would do this kind of thing. your blog is a clean, helpful and honest site and he obviously needs professional help. you are not his therapist.

i love you,
handy girl

accidents happen, or do they? muah!

2008-04-08T17:10:00.020-03:00

the other day i was walking down robie street, minding my own business, when i came to the crosswalk in front of the commons. i pushed the button to make the lights flash and noticed a girl on the other side of the road, also pushing the button. as the cars came to a stop, we both headed out into the road, and what happened next seemed to occur in slow motion.

a green car had stopped. the other pedestrian was crossing the street. a tanny-gold car came up behind the green car, slammed on the breaks, screeched on the road for about fifteen feet and smashed right into the rear bumper of the green car. both drivers calmly got out of their cars, inspected their vehicles and began to exchange information.

i stood there with the other pedestrian. we talked about what we had seen. the man in the green car asked if we were witnesses and requested that we hang around and give our information. i chatted more with the girl and we both agreed that the tanny-gold car was going too fast and couldn’t stop in time.

the other witness was very nice, a creative, artistic and free-spirited, fellow by-pedal foot-wanderer, and we quickly found common ground. being like-minded, we discussed other things, like where we were headed and what kind of work we do. we realised that we had just met by accident, or rather, by ‘an accident’, and laughed about how nothing happens by accident.

when i talked about nscad, she mentioned how she’d missed the wearable art show, a fundraiser for the aids coalition of nova scotia, organized by nscad students for the eighteenth year running. i hosted the show this year, with super cory bowles and nscad’s sweetheart, katie h, and told her there would be a screening of the show at nscad in the coming weeks, and there were pictures on facebook.

the wearable art show was a fantastic event that went off without a hitch, and i am continually impressed with the raw talent breaking out of the very skin of the students at nscad. every year, the bar is raised, and so is the money donated for aids research. kudos to everyone involved.

;)

so anyway, it seemed clear that the girl driver was trying to lessen the impact of an ‘accident’ that was clearly her fault. she said things like, ‘when i saw your break lights go on, i tapped on my breaks’, but she actually slammed them and crashed into a car that was stopped, and ‘oh there’s no damage’, as we watched other cars drive over the piece of her car that got creamed.

it was taking a long time for them to exchange info, and the guy obviously needed the co-witnesses to step up. we interrupted what may have become an argument by offering the truth, from two different perspectives with clear views.

the woman did not take too kindly to our descriptions, and kept saying she wasn’t going over the speed limit, but we felt speed was a factor. the car ahead of her had time to stop when the lights flashed, she was going too fast to stop in time. had the green car not been there, one or both of us would surely be booking passage to a greener pasture in the sky.

i have a lot to say about pedestrians in this fair town. for two weeks in september, one can tell who the students are from ontario. they make eye contact with the driver, use hand signals to make sure it’s okay to cross and then practically shine up bumpers, in gratitude for allowing them to cross the street. after this period of time, they walk out into the middle of the road like everybody else.

my ‘accidental’ encounter with escaping a catastrophe and meeting a cool chick, was like a nudge from the universe, a reminder that i am on the right path. today is not my day to die, but another day of meeting new people, promoting worthy causes and above all else, bearing witness to the truth.

and now, as i finish this post, a facebook friend request from my accidental pal has channelled its way to my inbox.

truth or truth: is there really any question?

2008-02-20T16:39:00.014-04:00

Great answer, Handy Girl,
My situation is similar to Hopin' except I know my wife is not the one for me. We got together when I was going through a bad break-up, and deep down I knew it was a mistake to marry her. I care about her and respect her, and I would never cheat, but lately I have been very attracted to a woman at work. Our chemistry is like nothing I've felt before, and I know she feels the same way about me. I have no children, but I would really like to one day, but I don’t feel any desire to have children with my wife. Should I stay in a relationship that I know is wrong, or should I end it? I don't want to hurt anyone but I also can't spend my life pretending anymore. Please help me.
Stuck
dear stuck,
seems you have found yourself in a pickle of a sticky situation. by admitting you are married to the wrong person, it sounds like you have already begun to leave the marriage. life presents us with what we need at the time in order to learn and grow, and you must now ask yourself some very important questions.

~
why did you marry your wife? when you met, you were going through a break-up. you were in a state of flux, of not knowing what was happening next, of ending one relationship and beginning another. you say you knew it was a mistake at the time, but you did it anyway. has this happened before? are you just repeating the same mistakes over and over and over?

~
are you absolutely certain that your wife is not the one? if there is any doubt, you need decide if it’s worth tossing out the bath water before you’ve even had the baby. raising children is the most important job in the universe. our choices in procreative mating ought to stand the test of time, no matter what happens in our adult relationships.

~
are you living as your true self, the person who is uniquely you? we often fall outside of our selves and conform to expectations of others. as time goes by, we can get further and further away from living with authenticity.
~

is the devil on one shoulder coaxing you to break up your marriage, or is the angel on the other saving you from a lifetime of misery? maybe the devil wants you to live in misery and the angel wants you to work it out with your wife. living with integrity and being honest with our selves, has to be our first priority.
~
if you really, truly, honestly can’t see yourself being with your wife for the long haul, it is not fair to keep her in the dark about your feelings. these are valuable years that she will never get back, and staying in the marriage can prevent her from meeting a man who does want to be the father of her babies.
~

when life is not moving in the direction we would like it to, sometimes we manifest a catalyst, to create a situation of abrupt change. catalysts come in many forms, from illnesses to car accidents.

since you have known all along that your marriage was a mistake, you’ve probably been putting the catalyst vibe out there for some time, and it has manifested itself in your feelings for this other woman. if you are meant to be with her once you are free and clear, you will be. take this as a gift from the universe. you could have ended up in a hospital bed.

~
now for some handy advice: should you go down the break-up road, whatever you do, be kind and be honest. it takes many, many more hours on a therapist’s couch to forgive a dishonest, assholier-than-thou mate, than it does to forgive a decent guy. since forgiveness is the key to letting go, your wife will eventually need to forgive you in order to truly move forward in her life.
~

keep your private life private, and keep the particulars to a minimum. none of your friends want to know the shockingly gory, intimate details regarding the dissolution of your marriage. when the dust settles, there will be a greater chance that both of you will maintain mutual friends, if they are not privy to the nitty-gritty’s, and a greater chance that you willl both be able to move into new relationships in healthy ways. stay true to your truth, do what you will, and harm none.

directionally challenged?

2008-02-14T09:35:00.013-04:00

Dearest Handy Girl,
I miss your witty repartee & such. Glad to hear more of the universe will be able to bask in your Handiness. Since you say you are full of answers, here's a question: How does one know one is on the right path? If one has talents and abilities that could lead in different directions, how to know which is the right direction to head in? Heart & Hugs from De the directionally challenged

dear de,

recently, my head got full of possibilities that never before seemed possible. so, tonight i sat on my porch to contemplate the existence of your question, hoping the universe might give me a sign.

my thoughts turned to the last time i looked for a sign, walking through the commons on my way to yoga class, wondering about the challenges i was having with a friend. when i came to the place in the middle where all the paths meet, someone had spray painted the words, but there are so many other paths.

tonight, on my porch, there would be no messages in bottles, no lightning bolts jolting from the sky, no locusts or swarms of bees or murders of crows. tonight, my sign would be channelled to me through the humanoid forms of two young, male, drunk dalhousie university students.

tonight, as i toyed with the meaning of life, of marriage, of commitment, of everything, drunk guy number one asks why i’m sitting all alone. i told him i was contemplating existence. he told me to go with my heart.

drunk guy number two says he’s gonna take a piss, and proceeds to do so on the side of my house. drunk guy number one asks me what there is to contemplate, and i say there are new choices, there are new possibilities and wonderings about what’s behind door number three.

drunk guy number two shakes himself and tells me to listen to his friend. you gotta go with your heart. the two of them try to get me to go drinking with them but my mind turns to the oatmeal cookies that my daughter had baked the day before. they are on a plate in my kitchen. i go with my heart. cookies made by ones daughter are the best cookies ever baked because they have love in them. this was an easy choice: drunk guys or cookies. other decisions are not so easy.

i have a friend. we both look younger than we really are. we were walking in the snow the other day, talking about how we still sometimes get asked for identification in bars, about how my daughter gets handed the wine list and i get looked up one side and down the other. we agreed that the secret to youth, to looking young and feeling young, is doing what we love. how lucky we both are to be able to pull this off. or are we? does luck have anything to do with it, or does it always come down to choice?

our choices determine our future. when faced with choice, the answer has to lead us to being closer to our true self. this doesn't mean there will be things in life that we do not want to do, like washing the buttery batter bowls left behind from bambino's baking binges, but we can make a choice to change our attitude toward our activities.

am i a party animal or a thankful mother? who do i want to be in this situation? i look at the washing of the dishes as a joyful cardiovascular opportunity to shake my booty while grooving to a mika album, which favours heavily against the other choices: being disgruntled about washing dishes that i didn't use, refusing to wash them and reverting to nagging my daughter to do it, or waking up the next day at some frat house in the south end, unable to even remember if there was any joy to be had.

doing what we love and maintaing our integrity will keep us on our path. choices made today will impact future choices and sometimes we need to make mistakes so we can learn, to experience suffering in order to appreciate joy. signs are everywhere but sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

here is my handy advice: go with your heart. we have one life to live in the bodies we inhabit and the most important thing is to do what we love, what leads us to joy. we make choices every day, and when we are joyful, we are our best selves. with joy, we are better able to help those around us and be the person we were born to be. good luck, or should i say, good choices...

when the sweetheart you love is true, are you?

2007-03-19T12:45:00.000-03:00

Dear HandyGirl,

Okay. Here's one for you. A casual friendship with a woman at work has turned into a problem for me. I have become very attracted to her and there is a compulsion to take it further. This will not happen in the foreseeable future. Why? She is happily married and I'm friends with her husband who works there also. I too am happily married. My wife works there as well. We are all friends who work together and are in the same social circles. So we see each other a lot. Sometimes I try to avoid her or eye contact with her to the point of possible rudeness. Other times I just have to go talk to her. Nothing seems right. It's like I am a pubescent boy again. Then I would have just went for it, probably making a fool of myself, but then it would be over. Painful, but over. I don't have that option now. There are 3 others who I care about and don't want to hurt. Once in the past I confided in my wife that I was attracted to another. It didn't go over well at all. I promised myself I would never do that to her again. That situation was remedied when the other women moved from the area. I have never cheated on my wife and never well. I believe in our marriage, but never expected I'd have a stupid problem like this. It's not like I can just stop feeling as I do. Can you imagine a solution that will not hurt anyone?
Thanks,
Hopin'

dear hopin’,
i’ll begin by saying that your problem is not uncommon. we are human beings with feelings and desires, and it is normal, at some point on the timeline of life, to be attracted to other people, even when we are in a committed relationship. what really matters is how we deal with it.

take vegetarianism, for example. if a person chooses to be a vegetarian because they believe eating animals is wrong, and that animals have the right to fulfill their destiny as animals, then they are making a moral decision. even if they are wholeheartedly committed to this lifestyle, it doesn’t mean they might not drool when the aromatic reality of sizzling bacon fills the air they breathe while walking past the local breakfast hotspot.

revealing the sinful salivations to a fellow vegetarian may open the person up to critical discourse, but acting on the desire by chowing down on a blt is much more than breaking a code of conduct; it’s messing with core values and it carries karmic consequences. the ‘vegetarians’ who sometimes eat chicken are actually chick-etarians. in vegetarian circles, that’s a reputation breaking no-no, that smells foul.

what we have here is a question of morality. people are very different when it comes to how they choose to define and exercise morality in their lives. i had a friend once, who wanted me to commit fraud to help her to be approved for a mortgage. another person i was acquainted with, thought there was nothing wrong with pelting the sausage down the hallway with another woman’s husband.

when i finally realized that i was cut from a different moral fibre than these ladies, it was easy to see that i didn’t need to exert any more energy trying to work things out. our fundamental beliefs about life and the universe were too divergent for us to pursue truly healthy, trusting friendships. this isn’t about judgement; it’s about recognition of basic differences in core values. it takes all kinds of people to make up the world, and when the time comes for a morality check, our distinctiveness can strengthen our resolve.

you mentioned you would have behaved differently when you were younger, that in spite of the pain, at least it would be over with. some say we grow our moral backbone in childhood. then, during our teenage and young adult years, we take it for a test drive, we rebel against it, and we push it to the limits. it sounds like you were a normal teenager, fumbling through the uncharted waters of romantic love, living the scenarios that would reinforce your core values.

you say this has happened before, and the problem went away when the woman moved away. until we learn from our experiences, we will keep reliving them. we will attract what we need in our lives in order to learn. the problem has not gone away; it’s back three-fold and it’s closer than before. some people need a few kicks at the can, and the universe is giving you another shot. being attracted to someone is one thing, obsessing about it or acting on it is another. maybe it’s time for you to pick up the can and recycle it.

you’re a big boy now, yes, you’re a grown up man. your past experiences, and your desires for the future have led you to choose a wife in the present. how lucky you are that she said yes. you both have jobs, friends and a commitment to each other. break out the champagne and shower your beautiful wife with adoration, respect, neck-rubs, flowers and chocolates.

relationships change over time, because people do. as long as you and your wife share the same fundamental beliefs and stay honest, you will likely grow old together. maybe something happened in your wife’s past that made her particularly sensitive to the thought of infidelity. maybe she has attracted a husband like you, to help her work through her fears, to protect her, honour her and respect her til death do you part. to find security in her role as wife, she needs to know that your heart is hers, and hers alone. if you really want this marriage to work, you must give it to her.

you are attracted to another woman, but you don’t say whether the other woman knows this, or even feels the same way. if this is a two-sided attraction, then it will be twice as hard to resist. if you fantasize in solitude, then for all you know, she could think you’re a knight in shining armour, or a smarmy oaf. in either case, the dilemma is yours to own, and you sound like you don’t want to hurt anyone or mess anything up. your moral compass is not broken, it’s just dusty.

assuming you truly want to be in an honourable marriage, here is my handy advice: recollect all the wonderful things about your wife, that propelled you to fall in love with her, and then nourish them. spring is on the way, so plant new seeds of love in her name. every day, think of five good things about her, and tell them to her. count your blessings. recognize that your attraction to other women is a tender issue in the emotional body of that amazing woman you married, and never, ever act on it. strive to be the poster boy for that new fair trade, organic cereal, the one that’s high in moral fibre. do what you will, and harm none.

so...ya wanna be in pitchas

2007-01-10T12:39:00.000-04:00

i know two excellently fabulous and altogether amazing women, donna davies and kimberlee mctaggart. they just happen to own and operate a local film and television production company known as 'sorcery films'.

one day, my good friend donna said it would be really cool to put handy girl on tv. i spent the next day doing handy things and minding my own business. then, the day after that, we were suddenly shooting a segment for the wonderful world of cbc television, with the most amazing camera guy ever, bob (robert) zimmerman. seriously, it all happened that fast.

so, cbc has a new tv show called living east. you can read about it here: www.cbc.ca/livingeast and you can send in your very own comments, images, ideas, video clips, etc...once the show airs, beginning january 15, 2007, you can also watch it online or on cbc's utube page.

living east is a local show, a guide to better living in the maritimes, but there are other regional shows too, right across this amazing country. there's living newfoundland and labrador, living in ottawa, living saskatchewan, living vancouver, and more! each regional show gets to pick segments from other regions, and that includes handy girl.

so, i guess handy girl is evolving beyond blogland, but that doesn't mean this blog is no more. in fact, i imagine it will continue to evolve and grow with time. keep your questions coming...i have answers in me that need to come out.

all dolled up: handy girl shows some art

2006-11-28T16:15:00.000-04:00

i believe in egalitarianism, and the sacredness of life, regardless of age, race, gender or faith. i also believe in lipstick, push-up bras and appropriate armpit shaving. i am a feminine-ist, with humanistic tendencies.

~
by creating needle-felted dolls, my process is furthered along through reactions of those who view them. some think they are very strange, even creepy. others only want to play, and i just can’t stop making them.

~
my work responds to the incongruence of female form, proliferated by the three m’s: media, marketing and money. from the birth of venus to barbie to the bearded lady, stereotypical images are everywhere, in every time period.

~
all dolled up and rearing to go, i openly blame my dolly addiction on dr. david howard, art history professor, who woke me from deep sleep. it wasn’t a gentle nudge either, and now life will never be the same.

well anyway, i thought it was time to get my dolls out there; then people can see them and start talking. so there's this group exhibition from the feminist collective at nscad's anna leonowens gallery in halifax, opening at five thirty on december fourth and running until the ninth. good golly gee, i do declare, some handy dolls'll be appearing there...come on down and check it out.

chalk it up to common ground

2006-10-28T21:30:00.000-03:00

it was a full harvest moon when we all met on common ground, armed with sidewalk chalk, packing ten pounds of intention into five pound bags. the core group of the underground common ground sidewalk chalk experiment would set the tone for the hours and days that followed, and would initialize new plans for future displays of temporary public art.

my intention was to bless the space following the aftermath of the rolling stones concert. a family friend had the intention of using up the bucket of sidewalk chalk she had found on garbage night. a sculpture student at nscad intended on finding something within the group dynamic. a young buddhist woman, who stayed up all night dancing the night before and then went to an all day conference she had forgotton about while shaking her groove thang, had the intention of not letting me down.

we began by preparing the pavement. we talked about how we wanted to remain positive and to have no rules, except to remain positive. i liked the idea of lower case letters but wouldn't dictate that to anyone. we knew there would be others walking through the commons on a saturday night and agreed to hand out chalk to anyone who wanted to participate. by the end of the night, more than twenty strangers had added their flavour to the mix.

we chalked and chalked. we followed our individual paths which led back to each other for momentary verbal and non-verbal exchanges. it seemed to us like a timeless event; we were in the zone of intention, we were driven to put out only the best of such, and the whole experience was strangely surreal, a massive output of energy for the common good.

my family friend brought beach rocks, chalked them with huge lips and words like 'you rock' and positioned them in the giant tire tracks of mud. she was a trooper, a good newfoundland girl who wouldn't leave until the job was done. while bent over to pack up the supplies, a guy came running across the commons because he thought someone was dying. we told him that we were very much living, and happy to know that someone would come running at three in the morning in the middle of the commons should we have been hurt.

the sculpture student went on to digest the process of chalking covertly at night, of creating temporary positive and happy graffiti in a public place. the buddhist, whose initial intention kick-started her into showing up, gained much more from the experience on a personal level. it really was to the benefit of the chalkers and to those who would walk on common ground.

i went over the next day and sat across the street from the commons. i watched as people slowed down to read the pavement. some people stopped walking altogether and started talking to each other. my intention was to bless the space, and right before my eyes, people were smiling at each other and strangers were chinwagging all over the place.

we didn't go over with spray cans and ski masks, yet we remained somewhat anonymous, which gave us the chance to be flies on walls. i heard some people talking about how good they felt walking to work the next day when they read the words on the pavement.

eventually, my ears would hear, 'oh no, it's raining! i guess that's the end of the happy commons'. this is the way of temporary chalk art. once the rain comes, it disappears into nothingness.

worry not, haligonians! handy girl is planning on creating more temporary public art and is waiting by the fire for the first snowfall of winter (yes, that's a clue)...stay tuned, there is just so very much more....

common ground?

2006-10-06T08:18:00.000-03:00

handy girl has been on hiatus and is now back by popular demand. apologies to faithful readers who are on the verge of abandoning this site.....with a new semester beginning, a daughter starting high school, love interests and computer issues, i have neglected my absolute duty to entertain y'all with fresh fingers. there is much work to be done and it all starts this saturday night. ya that's right, tomorrow night, and you have a chance to be involved....participaction! get with the action!

xox

there's a lot of talking going on, all around town, all over the radio, and in the papers too, about the rolling stones concert that happened recently at the halifax common. for those who are unfamiliar with this town, the common is a large area of flat grassy land, walking paths and sportsfields. it connects different areas of the city together and makes getting to and from school or work much easier for many haligonians. lots happens on common ground.

oxo

so anyway, after fifty thousand or so people jumped up and down in the rain while mick and his boys belted out their cazillionith renditions of their cazillion songs, the common ground was left, how shall we say, looking like a shithole? for this reason, some people thought the concert was not a good idea. other people thought we should boycott the entity known as the rolling stones and bring in a more contemporary band, and even others thought that people who thought this should be boycotted.

xox

in the days that followed the show, the worker guys worked and worked. the stage, the port-o-potties and the garbage (for the most part) got hauled away, and what we were left with was a blown up version of a backyard belonging to four year old quintuplets, after a rainy birthday party day of tonka trucking in a grassy mud pie eating contest delerium.

oxo

nobody from the city and none of the concert promoters bothered to clean the mud from the walkways for nearly a week. it was a full three days following the stage removal that they came back and haphazardly moved the mud. i think they were hoping for a giant sponge to sweep down from the sky and i was more than half tempted to go over there myself with shovel in hand. as i began to recruit an entourage for this task, the mud was no more.

xox

this doesn't mean there is no other plan. in fact, i have a very handy idea, and you too can be involved. meet me at the fountain on the common ground at eleven o'clock tomorrow evening. bring your friends and be prepared for fun-ness. that's tomorrow, saturday october seventh, eleven pm. photographic documentation may appear in my next post.

oxo

love or karma: which comes first?

2006-08-10T09:55:00.000-03:00

Hey Handygirl.
Got a problem. Hope you can help. I hang around this fella, he and I have a lot in common. He has a girlfriend, she lives away so they haven't seen one another in awhile and won't until September. So, I am interested in him, I know I shouldn't be. BUT I think he could be interested in me. BUT I am not sure. Is he just a nice guy, or is there another reason we are always at the same place at the same time? Fate or Coincidence? Do I have to make an ass of myself to find out? Ahhh! I think about it all the time, I need your help!
Thanks in advance,
Limbogirl

dear limbo girl,
once upon a time, there was a man who travelled a lot with work. when he was out of town, he would hang around with this gal and they had a lot in common. often, he wouldn’t see his partner for a while, and on one of his out of town jaunts, they both decided to express their “interest” in each other. they were always in the same place at the same time. fate? coincidence? or just two people making asses of themselves?

it was many months before their little secret was discovered, the events of which set in motion years of heartache, karmic balancing acts and feats of strength. you see, when you mess with someone else’s partner, bad things happen. if not right away, then eventually. this is a hard and fast rule with no exceptions. sure, many people need a way to get themselves out of a relationship, but that catalyst doesn’t have to be y-o-u.

but, you may ask, what if they aren’t meant to be together? how could it be bad? how could the coupling of two people who care about each other be wrong? why would the undercover karmic police officers hand out a ticket for something that seems so right?

the answer is simple. there is a third person involved here, a person with feelings and attachments, a person who is composing chapters of her life without knowing that some other chick has the white-out on the go and is putting a quill to paper in an attempt to rewrite what she thinks should happen. yikes!

okay, so some people would say that this girlfriend has lessons to learn in life. some would say that she needs to be with a guy who cheats in order to learn about what she really wants in a relationship. like a guy who doesn’t cheat, for example. some would say that she is a bee with an itch, or insecure, or whiney or not a nice person, and it is her karma that manifested another woman. ya, ya, ya, let’s blame the girlfriend instead of being responsible.

imagine that his girlfriend is you. how would you feel when you returned to town and found him in the arms of some other girl? or how about this: imagine for a moment that his girlfriend is your sister, cousin or best friend. how would you feel about telling her that you are now the woman in her man’s bed? the final test of right or wrong, moral or immoral, is the scariest one, but also the most accurate. what would your mother say if she knew what was going on? there are so many men out there. you do not need to move in on one who is already involved with someone else.

i am more likely to believe there is another reason the two of you end up in the same place at the same time. here are some handy possibilities: your moral compass is being tested, you are actually meant to be friends with his girlfriend, he has a friend who is perfect for you, he is sleeping with your sister, your friend, the entire population?

twenty years ago i was in a relationship with a man i loved dearly, who was perfect for me. the problem was, i was too young to realize it at the time. i figured that because we had no conflict and got along so well, that something was wrong. silly old bear. we ended up in other relationships, short and long term, and now, two decades later, we are both single again. i don’t know what will happen next. i do know that sometimes the timing isn’t right, sometimes you need to take twenty minutes or twenty years to think about it.

so here is my handy advice: take some time to think about it. is a roll in the hay worth getting fleas? do you want to be a contributor to another woman’s pain? sheesh girl, us gals need to stick together! look around you. see who is truly available. be aboveboard and honest in your dealings at all times. most importantly, have faith. there are so many other paths to take, but if you are meant to be with this man, the universe will pave the way. good luck.

handy girl goes greener, searches for alternatives

2006-07-17T01:05:00.000-03:00

a prophetic woman told me recently that i would be changing vehicles. she said it had nothing to do with a car accident and i would be very happy with the decision. letting go of my little red car had not entered my mind before, and this led me to question and ponder her insistent words.

i’ve lived without a car many times. i got by just fine with a 1950’s baby carriage, for jaunts to the laundromat or the grocery store. sky train, subway and bus tickets have frequently taken up space in my pockets. my feet have also been very good tools for getting me where i’ve needed to go.

one time, i got a job where i’d quadruple my income and challenge my creativity. the only problem was, it was fifty city blocks away and started at six in the morning, meaning it was impossible to get there by public transit. i knew cycling was my only option, but i didn’t have a bike as a child and i never really learned to ride.

so i hoofed it over to the local bike shop. the boys chuckled at my clumsiness on wheels display, but made the time to teach me. on the first day of work, it took just under an hour to get there, and at least half the trip was spent pushing the bike up the hills. by the third month, i could cycle the route in twelve minutes and had developed legs of steel.

i’ve lived with a car for a while now, as a single parent with a child whose school was a distance away, as a tv and movie girl who went on the road to buy things or travel to and from the set, as a canadian who took off from time to time, to explore more of this great land.

over the last couple of weeks, the universe has been giving me clues that it’s time to let go of my car. during a routine servicing, my karmachanic told me i would soon need new brakes and tires. the next day, the city increased the price of parking from a dollar to a dollar twenty five an hour. i bought a latte yesterday at steve-o-reno’s, and accidentally spilled it all over my car.

when i put a for sale sign in the window, i got a ticket for having a for sale sign ‘on a highway’. i was parked at a meter for half an hour, on a street in the city, a street that nobody would ever think was a highway. i’ll be fighting this one in court, and i’ll bring some handy photographic evidence of the street in question, illustrating the absence of a highway aesthetic or highway signage, for that matter.

i am now excited about letting go of my car. my karmachanic says she’s a good car and aside from regular upkeep, i’ve had no problems. to de-car my life will be an organic process, and i am open to trades, barters or alternative methods of payment, so like, if you have a piano you don’t want, we can talk.

suggestions for alternative methods of transportation are welcomed and encouraged. i am thinking along the lines of a handy human powered vehicle, or some kind of handy go-cart. for now, happiness is putting one foot in front of the other and walking the path. lo and behold, i do believe the grass just got a little greener.

high school and high-end salons: a change for all reasons

2006-07-09T16:54:00.000-03:00

I'm going to cut my bangs, and am looking for help on finding a good place to get it done so that I look Chique for HighSchool. I'm also thinking about Hi-Lights also.

Help

you be muy... muy... Helpfull! YAY

EMA

dear ema,
high school is an entity of it’s own. it’s a place where nearly all people in our culture go, during a time in our lives when we are undergoing big changes on every level of our existence. it is a place to take what we have learned in life so far and embark on a journey to define who we are.

~
every single person who goes to high school thinks about how they will be perceived by others, and the three m’s, media, marketing and money, play a huge role in defining what mainstream culture will look like at any given time. the best thing anyone can acquire in high school is one good friend.

~
in high school i was teased terribly. big bad bully boys ritualistically picked me up and threw me into the dumpster behind the school. black eyelinered, blue frosted eye shadowed, camel toe girls, tripped me up in the hallway, pulled my hair and spat on me. preppie prom peddling perfectionists pursued pastimes of poignant intellectual mocking.

teachers quipped, ‘boys will be boys’ or ‘don’t be a tattle tale’ or ‘if you were as smart as them you wouldn’t have so many problems’. none of them knew my brain actually had an extra lobe for organizing karmic clutter.

it was 1980, disco was dieing, and shoulder pads, bold prints, big belts and big hair were being born. as an artist and sensitive creative person with aesthetic values, i could not bring myself to submit to wearing something i considered hideously ugly and repulsive.

i chose to create my own style instead, rejecting the trends of the time. looking back, i see why classmates questioned such individuality, but standing here in present time, individuality is still a major driving force in the continued expression of our true selves.

a couple of years ago, i attended my 20 year high school reunion. people didn't recognize me, except for my one good friend, who looked fabulously gorgeous and happy. i walked through the room and talked with people; some were content, some were full of regret, some looked old and grey and tired and weary and some apologized for what they had done to me so many years before. everyone talked about the struggles of high school.

this one guy told me that after school one day, he kicked the crap out of a bully who had been notoriously tormenting me. then, a girl told me that the reality of my life, and the fact that i pursued a career doing what i love to do, was now an inspiration for her to change her own life.

nobody denied anything, and nobody held judgement. it was high school, an anomaly, both significant and insignificant at the same time, the ultimate paradoxical place in the space time continuum.

scared yet? well don’t be. things are much different nowadays, what with the metal detectors and gang wars and all. seriously though, the youth of today have many more rights and schools have zero tolerance for bullying. teachers take sensitivity training and students have more choices for what they want to learn.

high school today can be a very positive experience, as long as you do these three things: stay committed to learning about what interests you, what challenges you and what makes you tick, eat healthy food and exercise your body, and make sure you have the right hairstyle.

i had a haircut five years ago that made me look like i was going to a head-banging kiss concert in the eighties. i made two mistakes. i deviated from my regular salon to try and save some money and i did not trust my gut reaction to the appearance of the stylist himself. needless to say, i wore my hair short for a while. it cost two haircuts and a honking slab of humble pie to repair the damage.

~
i woke up sweating buckets one morning, with my long, thick hair wrapped around my neck. while walking to work, a big gust of wind blew my hair into my mouth, just as i chomped down on a wad of gum, leaving me with a mouthful of hairy gum for the dealing.

it only took me a split second to march on over to thumpers salon, and as perfect timing would have it, they’d just had a cancellation.

my stylist told me that it is every stylists dream to give a short haircut to someone with really long hair, but that most long haired people who come in looking for short hair, decide against it during the consultation.

she told me that it’s risky business because people often aren’t really ready to alter their appearance so dramatically and they end up regretting it in the end, crying or freaking out. it was her lucky day, and mine. i walked out of there with a feeling of weightlessness, and she lived out a fantasy in real life.

so, to make long words shorter, to cut to the chase, the handiest advice i have to offer is this: please go to a high end salon. it will cost more money, but you will never, ever have a first day of high school again. make the appointment for two weeks before school starts so that your hair has time to settle and you have time to adapt.

if asking your parents to spend that much cash on a cut and colour is problematic, then approach them with an offer to earn the money by doing chores and other jobs for them. explain to them how important it is for you to look and feel your bestest best. be very thankful if they agree to cough up the cash.

to find a good stylist, ask around. if you like somebody’s hair, ask them where the had it done. high end salons will not employ stylists who aren’t tuned in to interpreting what the client is looking for, so collect pictures of styles you like and bring them with you to your appointment.

talk with the stylist about yourself, and get a feel for who they are, because trusting them and how they wear their own hair, is very, very, very important.

adding highlights is a better idea than all-over colour because you don’t have to keep going back to get your roots done. choosing the right shades depends on your personality. stay with shades that are slightly lighter than your hair colour if you want it to look natural, or add some hues outside of your range to spice things up. your stylist will show you samples of what they have available, and this can really help you to decide what’s best for you.

if you’re thinking about getting bangs, think very carefully. bangs are often drastic if you’re not used to them, but they also have charm and help to frame the face. it’s easier to wear your hair down when you have bangs because you don’t have all that front hair falling in your face all the time. another good thing about bangs is that you can clip and pin them, tuck them under a hair band or slick them back with product, whenever you want to go for a full faced look.

high school is all about change and i imagine you’ll go through many different ways of wearing your hair. sometimes we need to make the changes subtly or slowly over time, and other times we’re ready for something more drastic. a good stylist is going to be able to gauge just where your head space is at any given stage in your life, and when you find one, make it a permanent relationship. stay faithful and loyal to the end and they’ll help you out through thick and thin.

* * *

useless clutter: what’s really lurking in that junk drawer?

2006-06-28T22:03:00.000-03:00

I need help.
I loose things, I loose things daily.
Big things little things:, phone, car keys, car, money, friends.
I'm not kidding, I need advice.
Help handy girl.
confused.

* * *

dear confused,
in the 1800’s, some people lived in a frenzied world of thrown-up, mass-produced, overly-decorated objects. oh, the horrorvacue of it all, such fear of empty spaces. you see, with the industrial revolution came all kinds of new materials and new technologies and new processes for making things.

with a population explosion of middle class humans who wanted to have stuff, lots of objects of material culture were made and bought and sold and traded and stolen and consumed by many people and it was all about making money, and having, at the very least, the appearance of wealth.

and then this guy, william morris, was like, this sucks man, and so he fathered the arts and crafts movement, a design reform movement in england that believed in handcrafting, among other things, like education, or how decoration must never be used to cover up shoddy work. william said, “have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful”, ('the beauty of life', 1880). i wonder, can the same be said for the mind?

we have yard sales to let go of physical clutter. there is always crap that doesn’t sell, so we give it away or leave it out for people to pick through until garbage day. working through our physical space forces us to deal with those pesky mental and emotional attachments we have to stuff, and makes us look at our shit.

every object we own and every thought we possess, comes from somewhere and defines who we are. do we really want to characterize ourselves as useless crap that nobody wants, that sits in the rain until some stinky old honking truck comes by and takes it to the dump?

in our modern world, there are way too many useless objects. capitalism and habitual consumerism cross through all of the genders, races and classes. objects of distraction take us away from obtaining what we really need, or finding what we have lost. forgetfulness happens when our minds go wading off through the streams of useless clutter.

if a desk of a hundred papers had ninety nine useless ones, how much time would we spend looking for the only one we need? committing to letting go of useless clutter is a lifestyle change that takes courage and effort, and it opens us up to growing and changing and welcoming the new.

so what about our thoughts? how many suitcases could we fill up with useless, crappy thoughts, and why can’t our psychological and emotional baggage go missing the next time we’re at the airport? the emotional bomb squad would have a field day sorting through some of our unattended suspicious packages.

when we lose something, it could mean that we really aren’t meant to have it, that we need to slow down or that we are too distracted by physical, emotional and psychological clutter to focus. drugs, alcohol, diet and brain things can affect our memory, but if these don’t apply, then distraction is likely the culprit.

disclaimer: i do not by any means discount the possibility of the odd guardian angel throwing a delay our way in order to help us avoid a catastrophe.

~
to really let go of the negative and distracting things and thoughts, we have to change the way we think. as we go through physical possessions, we can look at each object and ask, is this beautiful, is this useful, is this something that i really want to help identify who i am? if the answer to any of these is no, we can let it go. the same process applies to thoughts. why even hold on to useless, crappy thoughts for even one more nanosecond?

losing friends is another thing altogether. sometimes, we need to look within and re-evaluate our contributions and then change, and other times, a blessing in disguise leads to its demise or a self-preservation mechanism kicks in, with or without the assistance of guardian angels.

one time, in a land far, far away, i was the editor of a newspaper, and in my fastidious pursuit of perfection, i stiffened up just enough to lose a friend. being able to let go has loosened me up so much that imperfection is no longer bothersome. in fact, it doesn’t even really exist. imperfection, serving its function perfectly, is perfect.

so now to some handy advice: clear out the crap. create uncluttered, open space. in uncluttered, open space, it’s very easy to see the telephone or the keys, and to remember where the car is parked. if you’re not ready for something so radical, then put your mittens on strings, make little notes, ‘hook for purse’ and ‘keys go here’, and tape them to the place where the things belong. have a notebook handy to write things down, like ‘car on hollis street between duke and george, meter expires at 12:15’. and finally, take a few minutes at the end of every day to empty your mind, and the recycle bin that lives inside it.

* * *

fodder: food for thought, or thought for food?

2006-06-20T17:22:00.000-03:00

Dear handy girl.
I'm a total failure. I can't cook!!!! I'm not talking preparation of gourmet cuisine. I'm talking pan frying potatoes, boiling eggs, making salad... Even my toast gets burned! My pots are all burned to rat shit and I've lost all desire to enter my kitchen ...except to rinse out a dirty wine glass. Lately I've reposed to drinking my best Merlot out of Dixie cups so I don't have to wash anything! Can you Help me?
Anonymous

dear anonymous,
give people fish, they eat for a day, teach them to fish, they eat for a lifetime. teach them to fish without teaching the bigger ecological picture, they deplete the cod stocks, people go hungry and hundreds of years of tradition are washed out to sea while mass unemployment stifles communities throughout this great land. environmental consideration must always be given toward what we choose to eat, where it comes from, what it’s made of, how it’s prepared, and what effect it will have on our bodies.

healthy eating, and easy cooking are not difficult. they begin with education. a balanced diet consists of a combination of things like fibre, proteins, vitamins, minerals, enzymes, carbohydrates and fat. the more times a food is processed, the less nutritional value it has, so i guess food in its raw form would be beneficial to sustaining healthy bodies. and hey, you don’t have to cook raw food! if the food is not organic, it is very likely to contain things like pesticides or herbicides or hormones or antibiotics, so don’t eat it. if the ingredients have a word that you cannot pronounce, don’t eat it. if it says hydrogenated, partially hydrogenated, trans fat, palm kernel or enriched, don’t eat it. if one of the first six ingredients is sugar, glucose, fructose or corn syrup, don’t eat it. really, the best thing to do is avoid processed foods altogether and learn to prepare things yourself.

here are a few things that i know: veggies do not need to cook for very long, just until their colour starts to turn deeper. perfect rice is two parts water, one part rice, bring to a boil, stir, cover, reduce heat to low, and wait. basmati, jasmine and other white rice takes 15-20 minutes, brown rice takes 45-60 minutes, and brown is better. the rice needs to absorb every ounce of water, so resist the urge to lift the lid and peek because water escapes in steam. when it is cooked, fluff it up. the best salad dressing ever, imparted to me by a great teacher, is a quarter cup of both olive oil and balsamic vinegar, a grated clove of garlic, a tablespoon of dried dill and a tablespoon of nutritional yeast, which is very high in b vitamins. a blended smoothie with blueberries, juice and powdered greens is a nutritional antioxidant cocktail. the fewer ingredients in a dish, the better. your stomach is the size of your fist, so eating more than that amount at once is unnecessary and waist-full. melons digest very quickly, so eat them alone, unless you want the melon fermenting in your digestive system while it waits for other food to catch up. chewing slowly is good. salmon with just salt and pepper on top, cooked in an open pan in the oven, tastes amazing. water is excellent and so are whole grains. fresh herbs, ginger and garlic add flavour without bad fat, so eat them. beans really are good for your heart.

if your pots are burned to rat shit and you’re even burning the toast, then you were likely taught to turn up the heat. the good news is this: the solution is easy. turn down the heat. you see, if you heat up oil too much, and by the way, olive oil is the way to go, it not only burns itself, but it transfers that burn flavour to the food, which will taste more like rat shit than your pan. overheated oil also turns to yucky gunk in your arteries. so, just start cooking at a lower temperature, turn down that toaster dial and i bet you’ll be amazed with the results. if this fails, all hope is not lost. there must be someone in your circle of friends who makes things that taste good and are good for you, and i’m sure they would be honoured to know you think so highly of them that they might even offer to show you a few things.

if you are turned off by your kitchen, then change it. go through everything and get rid of the mediocre, let go of the crappy spatulas, the dingy dishcloths, the dixie cups, the old ketchup, the one pickle jars and the useless clutter. repaint the walls, move the furniture and get new tea towels. if you have good dishes, use them and only them. you are the most important person in your world and you deserve to drink the finest merlot from the finest hand blown crystal goblets. if you change this environment, you’ll want to spend time in it and before you can beat up an egg you'll be cooking up a storm. everyone will be eating out of the palm of your hands, and they’ll keep coming back for more. having meals with friends will cut down on the cost and the workload, and without being too corny, sharing and caring is fantastic fodder for the soul. bon appetit!

* * *

finding love: a rock or a hard place?

2006-06-19T14:28:00.000-03:00

Well hello Handygirl.
I am also a girl - an adult one - experiencing the prevalence of females in my social life, and almost total lack of male friends. And frankly I love my gals but sometimes find team estrogen a little tiring. Anyway, I'd really like some fellas in my social circle, but I wonder if my ultimate search for a mate - a male one - is hindering my ability to engage with men in a purely platonic way. I mean come on, there's always that itching question, "Will we do it?" You hearin' me? Anyway, I'm open as always to your thoughts.

dude depleted

dear dude depleted,
okay, so here’s the deal: in the heterosexual world, men and women dig each other, they dance around each other, they get naked together and they throw the sausage down the hallway. this is part of the human condition and it has been going on since the dawn of civilization. there are three main reasons for this: a biological need to procreate, a means of making money and pure pleasure. an argument can be made that sex is pleasurable so that people will keep doing it so that humans will keep getting born, but a counter-argument also exists. we need air and food and sunlight and water in order to stay alive, but none of those things will give us the pleasure that sex will bring, and we don’t exactly see people out there orgasming all over the street when hit in the nape of the neck by a hot ray of sunshine.

men and women can be physically attracted to each other from first glance, but they will inevitably become more or less attractive once they get to know each other. i had a female friend once who was always doing it. she’d had more lovers than all my other friends put together. one day she made the statement, ‘sex is always better when you know the person’ and while this was funny in the moment, there was more than a titch of wisdom in what she had said. how many times have we dated someone, only to find ourselves repulsed by the thought of them two months later, put off by how they use a knife and fork, annoyed by the idiosyncrasies that once made them cute and charming?
~
i dated a man a few years ago who was sweet and kind and caring and strong, but dumb as a sack of nails. i thought he was hard of hearing, but it turned out he was hard of knowing. another time, there was a man who was so physically attractive that i didn’t care if he was not mature or experienced enough to know what he really wanted, or that he had issues with intimacy and with trust. there is another man who had always been just a friend, but the more i got to know him, the more i wanted to jump his bones. while we may answer our physical urges by acting too quickly, are we denying ourselves a potentially healthy long-term relationship by not taking the time to get to know the person first, by not being harder to get? more importantly, are we wasting valuable dating years in relationships with the wrong people?

so, here is the handiest advice i can give you: there is nothing wrong with having male friends. in fact, men make excellent pals. i have some male friends that i will never be romantically attracted to, and some who stir up the random thought juices. the best way to attract a good guy is to have male friends, because men have cousins and brothers and workmates and other friends and this will widen your social circle considerably. yes, there will be sexual tension and yes, maybe even some awkward moments, but consider this: men rock, they’ve got it going on, they’re all that and a bag of chips, they’ve got the goods and we need them, we want them, we have to have them.

i will also mention that they need us just as much, and then some. the more men you know, the better your chances are for finding a mate. i would rather be with a man who took the time to get to know me and like me for who i am, than waste my energy on those who cannot commit or aren’t looking for a real relationship. oh, and one other thing, some men want to have female friends so that they can get laid without attachment or commitment. the bottom line is this: any man who is a good friend is not going to screw you, not unless that is what you’re asking him for…

the estrogen factor: crazy-making or lifestyle changing?

2006-06-12T11:33:00.000-03:00

Handy Girl,
Thanks for your excellent advice about my friend and I intend to use it. My next question is this: recently the men in my life have suspiciously disappeared, leaving my mom and sister the only ones at home with me, also a girl. I’m going stir-crazy with the amount of estrogen in my house and I find I am purposely avoiding them whenever I can. How can I keep myself from going crazy while satisfying my mother’s needs of spending time with me?
Thanks again!
Highschooler

dear highschooler,
the estrogen factor strikes yet another household with full force as friends, neighbours and loved ones debate whether to buy earplugs, turn up the music or call social services. you do not have an uncommon problem, dear girl. sharing a space with women can be beneficial in many ways (good food, more clothes, kodak moments, etc) but it can also make even the most reasonable women go crazy, frantic, bonkers, whacko, chaotic, koo-koo, insane, fruit-de-loopie, quick, run hysterically because here comes those people with white jackets, you know, the ones with the extra long sleeves…

there may be too much estrogen and not enough testosterone in your home, but i think there is something else going on as well, something that all teenagers go through: a strong, overriding desire to express your individuality, to be your own, independent person and to discover who you want to be in the world. this is a hard task to accomplish when there is a parent around, offering an opinion about what is best for you to do, or not do. some mothers of teenagers feel that their nipple got bit right off their tit, so to speak, the instant their daughters began to embrace individuality. many mothers of teenagers are entering peri-menopause or are already menopausal so they, too, are coping with raging hormones and a changing body. yikes! what’s a chickie-poo to do?

here’s my handy advice: let your mother know that it is important to spend quality time with her, words that all mothers want to hear. one of the best ways to work through the estrogen factor is to exercise, so perhaps you, your mother and sister can get a family pass to a gym or yoga studio and make a commitment to exercise together. not only will you be spending time with your mother and sister, you will also be doing your bodies a huge favor. maybe you have a friend who also has a mother, and maybe you could all exercise together and share the cost. there is not a gym in this town that would question the veracity of a "blended family", and it is a lot easier for teenagers to tolerate their friends parents than their own. this way, all the mothers and all the daughters in the scenario are feeling connected and getting fit. if lack of money is a factor, then persuade the disappearing men to pay for it. if that isn’t an option then take up running, or fast walking, or do what my best friend and i do: go for a walk and pretend there are people chasing you. run away from the imaginary robbers and muggers until you can’t run any further and then treat each other to a tall glass of lemonade.

wedding cake: is this really the new white?

2006-06-05T14:25:00.000-03:00

Dear Handy Girl,
Oh being beautiful is so hard. What with changes in fashions over the years, I remember when I was younger there where just a few colours, orange, blue, green, yellow, red, pink etc. But now the colours have new names that I don't understand! Lemon, mauve, fuschia, salmon...HandyGirl, could you tell me how to keep up with the trends and fads without spending my hard earned money on magazines or scaring women in clothing stores by using the words "hip" or "fab" when speaking of the "in" clothes?
Yours truly,
TotalFashionReject

dear total fashion reject,
when i was in new york last year, i attended a lecture on trend forecasting at the fashion institute of technology. apparently, people are paid in the seven figures for the job of forecaster, and their predictions are consumed by a multitude of industries, from apparel and accessories, to beauty, design, cars and food, airlines, banks and the list goes on. trend concepts are a commodity and they are bought and sold for the sole purpose of making money.

i learned that there is chaos in the world and that everyone needs to eat, so the theme for spring/summer 2006 was going to be food. i also learned that the year before, trends were inspired by emotion and the year before that, it was age. apparently, white on white would be coming, blending natural fibres with opaque simplicity. colours such as wedding cake and whipped cream would produce sweetness and we would also start to see the appearance of various cereal shades, along with pea green, crepe, hummus, walnut, garlic, basmati, tobacco, ginger and mother of pearl. uh-huh, mother of pearl, indeed!

the thing is, all of it is an illusion. being with the times means fully embracing the here and now. right now is all there is, and if right now, a person feels good wearing yellow, then that person looks good wearing yellow, whether it's lemon, banana, canary, rubber duckie or just plain old yellow. beauty comes from the inside and extends outward, not the other way around. someone could be done up in the most expensive and exquisite couture designer frock, but if they aren't comfortable, then they aren't displaying their true self to the world, and the world really needs everyone to be themselves so that we can succeed at doing all the amazing and wonderful things we are here to do. so, if being beautiful comes down to just being yourself, then being beautiful should not be that hard at all. hmmm....could it all really be that simple?

when you go into a store, you are a target. the store wants your money and the sales people try to make you spend it. most sales people don't know you at all, and they may offer up options that aren't really suited to your personality. also, we are limited by what is hanging on the rack, which can be frustrating, like during most of the eighties, for example. the best thing to do is trust your own judgement and politely decline assistance, or go shopping with someone who knows you well. we are conditioned to dress a certain way and i think it's a great idea to always try on something that is a tad foreign to you, as a little open-minded experiment. if it feels good and you feel good then it is good, so go ahead and celebrate change.

instead of the handle, 'total fashion reject', i would be honoured to bless you with the handy new name, 'reject total fashion'. as for the lingo, i am suggesting that you keep on using words like fab and hip. without a million dollar invoice in the mail, i am forecasting that fab and hip will soon be fab and hip again. you are now the fabulous hipster, and that doesn't cost a penny.

bathtub cleaner, begone!

2006-05-28T19:27:00.000-03:00

Handy Girl,

I think your idea is very admirable, the one about the skewerflags. It's a great idea and worth pursuing. I just don't think I want to get up that close to the piles if you know what I mean. It would make a fab art piece though...I do have a question about a totally unrelated topic. Cleaning the bathtub. What can I use if I don't have bathroom cleaner?

Hollyhock

* * *

dear hollyhock,

when i was in the ninth grade, we were asked to do our final science project on a topic of our choice. i picked the tried and true erupting volcano and spent many hours building it out of papier mache, painting the mountain and attaching my real-to-life shrubbery and foliage in the form of broccoli trees, shredded cabbage greenery, buildings made from crackers and peanut butter, and cinnamon stick logs. there were even fisher-price figures standing at the foot of the mountain; their footpath sprinkled with eleven herbs and spices. the trick to making the volcano erupt was to have a container of baking soda inside the opening and add vinegar during the presentation. the two substances combine to foam up and bubble and overflow. my volcano was a success, and was put on the shelf of the classroom with the other science projects.

if you don't have bathroom cleaner, use baking soda and vinegar to clean your bathtub. it really does an amazing job at scouring right down to the nitty gritties. just wet down a soft cloth, like a rag from an old towel, put some baking soda on it, pour some vinegar on top and away you go. if you do have bathroom cleaner, get rid of it immediately! so many products are costly, unhealthy for the environment, and dangerous to your very own lungs and skin, and the lungs and skin of those around you and those who swim in our waters. save the planet one step at a time!

on the first day of the tenth grade, as students and teachers entered the school, it was clear that something, somewhere, was emitting a rather foul odor and the hunt began to locate the source. nobody could find it, but i knew the undeniable funk in the air was the combination of rotting cabbage, broccoli, eleven herbs and spices, crackers, peanut butter and cinnamon sticks, ingredients that had been sitting on the shelf all summer. i stayed after school that day, and when nobody was looking, quickly discarded the volcano into the garbage can, tied up the bag and took it away. baking soda and vinegar sure would have come in handy that day, to stamp out, disinfect and deodorize the lingering aftereffects of my quest for higher learning.

disfashionate?

2006-05-27T18:42:00.000-03:00

many humans are conditioned to label and categorize themselves and other humans. it really seems quite silly to think that visual appearance and body type matter more that individuality and freedom of expression. the three m's (media, marketing, and money) are working very hard together to manipulate our judgement and perception so that our desire to fit in leads us towards habitual consumerism and away from expressing who we really are. fashion means, literally, to change and flow and is a reflection of the inner self. if we are all individuals, it makes sense that we would all express ourselves differently, but the fashion industry wants us to be the same, and they want to tell us exactly what that sameness should be. they want to tell us what is beautiful, yet scores and scores of crappy rags line the windows of store after store in strip mall after strip mall, from the north, south, east and west, both far and wide, high and low, and this, understandably, leaves some people feeling disfashionate.

on every corner, we are given an impossible ideal of what we should look like, through what seems to be a form of brainwashing. we are told what to eat and what to wear, by those who want us to consume their products, idioms, or lifestyle suggestions. we are exposed to huge health, fitness, cosmetic and pharmaceutical marketplaces, which offer ways to alter our bodies and our minds. we are completely surrounded by packaged and processed foods that contribute to the rise in heart disease and obesity, and then reeled in with products and services that promise to cure all. we are not encouraged to express our individuality or to accept others as they are, without judgemental cataloguing.
our eyes are trained to see a businessman in a suit, a bride in a wedding dress, a supermodel in swimwear, or a travelling salesman in a plaid sports coat and a bow-tie. the elderly surrender to what’s thrown at them, men do not wear skirts, lace or frills, and women are groomed, plucked, painted, preened and adorned. teenagers momentarily break through the limitations and confines of mainstream fashion until they ultimately graduate into adulthood, while babies and young children are decorated and festooned with the cutest sweetness of the day. there is an order to things in mainstream society, a method of categorization that must be maintained so that people will always know where they stand. it's like body coverings become fashion when they are used as a means of distinguishing between the ranks of social order.
ahhhh, but a subculture exists that displays little consideration for conventional standards, and although its presence transcends the archetypal and definitive principles of fashion by its very nature of being unique and individual, society still finds a brand name for it. this subculture is anti-fashion. it’s the nonconforming individualist, the rebel, the street kid, the exhibitionist and the free spirit. it’s the artist, the bad boy, the eccentric, the maverick and the oddball. as a quirky creature dances on the outskirts of the peripheral mainstream vision, anti-fashion fleetingly grabs attention like a circus sideshow. ironically, many of those who influence the direction of mainstream fashion, draw their inspiration directly from the anti-fashion subculture, suggesting that mainstream society unknowingly supports the very thing it views as a deviation.

anti-fashionists are everywhere. sometimes they can be spotted in cafes at the end of the block. sometimes, high end designers drive by and see them. then, the designers go back to their studios and make clothes out of safety pins. people who have lots of money go into stores and buy clothes made out of safety pins. by then, anti-fashionists are strolling down anti-fashion avenue in cut-off military pants and high end designers drive by and see them. then, the designers go back to their studios and make cut off military pants and the cycle continues, and so it goes...

i wonder what would happen if we all took a walk down anti-fashion avenue wearing clown shoes and a foam nose, or dressed as a nun, or all dolled up in a brand spanking new birthday suit...

much adieu about doggie doo

2006-05-26T09:04:00.000-03:00

my latest mantra is 'nothing is shitty'. this expression came into existence when i was with a friend one evening, and at the time, nothing was shitty. since then, the potential for shitty presented itself in my life, forcing me to question the value of this new-found vernacular, but my friend saw it all quite differently. he felt that even though something may look, feel and smell shitty, it really isn't, because pain and suffering and misery lead to growth and healing and joy. apparent shittiness can actually be used as a tool for deeper understanding. he began to guide me through the shittiness and after awhile i began to realize that he was right.

it all comes down to freedom of choice. who do you want to be in any situation? do you want to be the blubbering bimbo caught up in a pit of despair, just rolling with the punches, or the compassionate one who can find forgiveness and see the positive in even the most negative situations? my old patterns were rearing their ugly heads and i knew that this was an amazing opportunity to change who i was in the world. the blubbering bimbo is stuck in the past, and that's where she belongs. what a lucky break for me, to recognize that living in the moment meant freedom of choice. in the present, in the current, in the here and now, freedom of choice is all there is. no matter what happens, you always have a choice about how you will deal with it. so what if you step on the thing that lies in front of you on your path? in the land of haligonia and beyond, this is for certain: doggie doo abounds, in stacks and mounds. hmmm.....is that shitty?

there is a house behind me that got rented out a couple of years ago to guys with dogs. they would pick up the poop and put it in an outdoor garbage container that had no bag or lid. it was july and the sun was shining, and wouldn't ya know, they missed garbage day. so a couple of weeks go by and they miss garbage day again and they begin to fill another container. you don't even want to imagine the stench; even the smell of cut grass and gasoline could not mask it. when i saw them outside one day, i asked them if they needed any garbage bags because i had a whole box of them, industrial strength. they were dumbfounded, but by the next garbage day, the poop was gone.

i have had many other encounters with doggie doo. once, i saw a big pile of it next to a tree, and someone had used it to put out their cigarette. another time, someone had it on their shoe and walked all through my house. there is a continuous supply of lumpy tied off grocery bags underneath my front porch. when the snow melts, reconstituted previously frozen doggie doo decorates our streets. people make the choice to have pets in their lives, but many of them do not live up to the responsibility that comes with that freedom. if we look to the past, we can be thankful that we do not live in times when human waste was thrown out onto the streets, but this does not deal with the present issue. i am offering up some handy hints about how to communicate positively with people who won't pick up the doggie doo.

when i am walking down the road or riding my bike or driving my car and i see someone not picking up the doggie doo, i stop and go up to the person and smile, and i tell them that i noticed they didn't have a bag for the doggie doo, and that i just happen to have an extra one that i pull out of my purse. then i find something positive to say about their pet and make light conversation while they pick up the poop. i have done this many, many times, and only once has the person reacted negatively, but she still picked up the poop. her dog had dumped a big load right on the front steps of a church. if everyone carried around a stash of bags and offered them up to unsuspecting people with dogs, if word got out on the street, then maybe it would lead to greater awareness and maybe things would change. one less pile of doggie doo is still one less pile of doggie doo. when people feel that they are being watched, they are less likely to be irresponsible.

sometimes i think about how people get ticketed for not wearing a bike helmet. while this may not be a good idea, it's the cyclist who makes the choice to risk their own skull. with doggie doo, everyone is at risk. the dog cannot pick it up, and the human made the choice to have a dog, so where is the poop patrol? it must be illegal to not pick it up, and it is very easy to catch people doing it, but i have never seen any law enforcement officials handing out tickets, not ever. halifax is swarming with meter maids who are on the case, giving out infractions left, right and centre, and on the ticket, you are called the "offender". if the city isn't going to do anything, then maybe it's time for some covert action.

i would like to start a red flag campaign. the idea is to get a bunch of people together to make little red flags that say 'pick me up', put them on kabob skewers , and then go all around town and flag the doggie doo. the effect would be two-fold: it would send a visual message to innocent pedestrians that someone cares enough to warn them, and it would get people talking, which would raise awareness and lead to change. whaddya say, my fair citizens, are we up for the red flag challenge? are there any other doggie doo performance art activists out there?

hello from handy girl

2006-05-25T09:28:00.000-03:00

welcome to my blog. it is with feet in the current that i embark on a journey to help heal the planet. this will not be an easy endeavor but with the angels on my side, a stash of fairie dust tucked away in my pocket and some spells up my proverbial sleeve, i am hopefully optimistic.

many things have led me to this place. i feel like i have already lived a hundred lifetimes and am finally ready and rearing to get down and do the work. believe you-me, there is a lot to be done. planet earth is really messed up but it doesn't have to be this way. i'm not gonna harp political about it now; there are more important ways to spend my energy, and besides, we waste way too much time criticising others and not enough looking inside our own selves for the answers.

there's no point in being stuck in the past or worried about the future because all we really have is right now. nobody knows what will happen from one moment to the next so why not choose living to live and loving life for all that it gives in the moment? ya, ya, ya, that's so easy to say and who am i to sound so altruistic, who am i to think that utopia is attainable? we all have things to do, places to go, people to see, battles to fight, bills to pay, dishes and laundry and groceries and flat tires and nasty sales clerks and screaming kids and basement floods and stained rugs. we have snow to shovel and then there's trans fat and aspartame and tartrazine and monosodium glutamate, the extinction of bananas, genetically modified everything, bird flu, mad cow, potholes, landfills, broken spindles from vandalizing hooligans, media, marketing, money, anorexia and obesity, gang wars, global warming, homelessness, heartaches, headaches and hurricanes. i guess the point here is that we always have a choice. regardless of the challenges that present themselves in our lives, we decide how to handle them. we decide our actions and reactions. we create our own reality.

much can be learned from mythology and folklore, from stories handed down through the ages. the people who came before us have valuable lessons to teach. the past can be a good thing, a handy tool for guaging life, but it isn't a place to dwell, to hang around in, waiting for an all too familiar face to appear. the past gives us a reference point for the present but there's a difference between learning from the past and living in it. i think we find a comfort zone in the past, even if it is a negative place, because that's what we know, that's our experience. go deeper, my friends. look further and you will discover why you do the things you do and feel the things you feel.

i do not want to criticize individuals or society, even if people like george bush make me very nervous. i am on a quest to turn every negative into a positive, to see beyond the walls of facades that masquerade themselves as bravery and wisdom and to stamp out denial and repression and aggression. i aim to teach only love. i'll also teach how to revamp your wardrobe in five easy steps, how to cook things that taste good and are good for you and how to fix a broken lamp with underwire.

it is my belief that everyone has the right to be here, to breathe the air, to be loved to feel comfort and to be happy. every human being on earth has something to offer, something good. it is very easy to pull the good out of people and i will discuss this technique in a future post, along with pointers for personal safety in the city and what to do if you're lost in the woods.

my energy is high, my heart is open and my vision is clear. i am not sugary sweetness wrapped up in a blanket of naivety, nor am i an arrogantly disguised narcissist. positive energy and positive thought are very real and they have the power to evoke change. we all do.

nothing is shitty.